


Memoirs of A Lonely Mind

by Jxshler_trxsh



Category: None - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 05:38:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7672207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jxshler_trxsh/pseuds/Jxshler_trxsh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is probably very different from anything else that you've read on here. This isn't a fanfiction. This is probably going to be a mess but it's going to serve as a diary of sorts. I feel that I can best express myself here without any backlash or hate. And most of you don't even know me so it's as simple as if this bothers you, ignore it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memoirs of A Lonely Mind

So.

This is the first time I'm doing this.

This is actually happening.

I suppose that I should say hello, internet, welcome to my mind. Well, welcome to the thoughts that come to mind when I'm not thinking of what to say, or how to say it. So, hello!

This first chapter is just going to go over what's happened to me this summer, and what I hope to achieve once I go back to school. Without further ado, here we go.

 

Oh, boy. Summer. What a doozy. It's been full of embarrassment, regret, and loneliness. The loneliness is mostly my fault, if I'm being honest. My phone is full of contacts, friends that I've been happy to call my support system for when I'm depressed. The problem is, I'm depressed a lot. But, I don't know if it's actually depression. I'm not going to self diagnose myself. But that's beside the point here. My point is, I have all these people willing to help and comfort me, yet I refuse to reach out. And I want to talk to them, I do, but a big red one on my phone fills me with anxiety for no reason. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing or sucking at conversation and boring someone to death. Because I suck at conversation. Like, so much that it's not even funny.

I remember all these contacts that I have and I hope that they don't hate me for not texting. Because every single one of them is near and dear to my heart. Hell, I might even go as far as to say that they  **are** my heart. I care for my friends a lot, and I just don't want to cause them any unnecessary pain.

As for the embarrassment, that usually comes from my past actions that I seem to remember every five minutes. Such as how I made a complete and utter fool of myself through middle school all because I liked a boy, and then did it again my freshman year, only to get rejected both times. My friends say I'm attractive and such but honestly I think that I might be boy repellant. Which is fine, I guess. But how many times can I get away with remembering how embarrassing I was and then slipping away to whisper about how much I hate myself until my cheeks stop burning. And I know for sure that there's only so many times that I can get away with mumbling it in front of other people before they suspect that something's wrong. I'll probably feel a little better once I get all of this off of my chest, but for every time I say "I love myself!", the hate comes back ten times stronger. And don't get me wrong, I  **do** love myself, totally, but it's going to take a while to completely eradicate the self-hate. (P.S. I'm probably also going to get embarrassed about even posting this and then go to bed and avoid the internet for days, but this needs to be done, not just for myself.)

And as for school this year, I just hope to get through it. Last year I ended up slacking off in the winter months and my history grade dropped so hard. But I always slack off in the winter months. It's not like I mean to, but how do you say "Teacher, teacher! Can I be excused from my work because I lose any and all motivation to do anything?" Exactly. You can't. So I'm going to try and push through it this year, and get better. I know that I can do it. But then again, I haven't even done my summer work. I'm devoting all of my time to that now, however, so it'll get done, I swear! I also want to get better at talking to my friends, and holding conversations. I know I can do it! I want to do it! So I'm going to try my best, and maybe I'll meet even more amazing people along the way.

Maddy, Erin, Savannah, Blake, Jack, Veena, Emily. If you guys end up reading this I just want you guys to know that you are the best, and you all mean so much to me. Even if I haven't been the best at keeping in touch, I love you all.

 

Let's make this year a great one.


End file.
